Ask Alma

By Alma Gill
NNPA Columnist

Dating My Ex-Husband’s ‘Twin’

Dear Alma,

 I am new to your page. I am 50 years old, all my kids are grown and out of the house. I have been divorced over three years, and now I’ve been seeing someone for the past 7 months. For real, it’s like he is my ex’s twin brother, and yes I love him. But my ex calls me once a week. We’ve even talked about getting back together. But now I am in love with two men. Is that wrong? Let me be clear, I don’t want my ex back.

 They both are 42 years old. My ex’s birthday is 4/26/72 my boyfriend 9/24/72, they both are dark skin and bald headed. They both are around 5’6” and have the same build. Neither likes to drink or smoke. They both love to go to movies and out to dinner.  I’m telling you, he likes the same thing my ex does. So it’s kind of hard for me to get my ex out my system. When my new boyfriend, reminds me of my ex, and I do mean in every way, even the love making, the caressing, it’s like my ex sent him to me to replace him. So I am just at a lost right now. Even though we are divorced, and I still love him, and he has moved on.

 Confused

Dear Confused,

Although you say, you don’t want your ex-husband back, you talk to him regularly and you’re openly discussing the possibility of a reconciliation. Hmmm, what is that about Mz. Lady? Couples divorce because what’s broken can’t be fixed and they’ve exhausted all their options.

My advice to you is to leave those broken pieces on the floor and start anew. Step away from your conjugal comfort zone, where you’re still snug, as a bug in a rug with your ex. Let him go and pay attention to the man who’s standing in front of you before he becomes a distant memory. Can you imagine how he’d feel if he knew you were comparing him to your ex? That’s so totally disrespectful on your part. I mean really, let’s flip this wig for a minute – if your new Boo described you as a “carbon copy cutie” from his past, you’d be livid!

In your descriptions, you didn’t touch on the character of either man, just the physical and visual similarities. That could just be defined as your type, liking or preference, not the reincarnation of another man’s twin. Frankly my dear, when you make comparisons, you allow yourself to give life to your insecurities.

Stop seeking comfort in your ex-husbands ConFunkShun. It’s time for you to exit his “Love Train.” Like you said, he’s moved on, it’s been three years, now so should you. By now at our age, we’ve learned, “not everybody that you love will love you back.” And let’s take it one step further, “not everybody you love deserves to be loved by you.” Can I get ah amen!

Let him go sweetie, don’t be afraid. Release what’s behind you and embrace what’s in front of you.  Just because you don’t know what’s around the corner of life, doesn’t mean it isn’t something that’s good for you. Cuddle up to 50 with aplomb, live to embrace what’s unfamiliar. It builds character and makes you sexy, self-assured and resilient.

Ex-husbands are ex’s for a reason; forgive him, but don’t forget why he’s no longer your husband.  When you’re experiencing real love, no one else matters but that person. Sharing that part of your heart, the value, the respect and the admiration can only be directed towards one person. Real, authentic, mature love exists between two people. It becomes a union that is so intertwined, there’s no space or time for a side piece.

Alma

Alma Gill’s newsroom experience spans more than 25 years, including various roles at USA Today, Newsday and the Washington Post. Email questions to: alwaysaskalma@gmail.com. Follow her on Facebook at “Ask Alma” and Twitter @almaaskalma.

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